The Benefits of Self-Compassion / Os benefícios da autocompaixão

Os benefícios da autocompaixão (tradução Google)

Overview

Self-compassion is one of the most important but most poorly understood concepts. Some people equate compassion with ‘kindness’ and self-compassion with being ‘soft’, ‘narcissistic’, ‘overly indulgent’, or having a ‘weakness’.

This page discusses what self-compassion is (and what it is NOT); why self-compassion is so important (including the direct benefits to you for developing more self-compassion); and, it explores the most common myths around self-compassion. 

Firstly: Compassion – What’s the big deal?

To understand what self-compassion is, we first need to explore the definition (and components) of compassion. Compassion is also often misunderstood which is unfortunate because it is one of the most skilful motivations and helpful attributes and in psychology (!). Compassion does not simply mean ‘to be nice’ nor does it mean ‘to be empathic’. Although sometimes these things may be involved, depending on situation, they actually might not (!).  

A standard definition of compassion involves two-parts: “Sensitivity to the causes of suffering in one’s self and others” (Part A), combined with “the commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it” (Part B).

As you will see, this not always easy to do. For example, most people come to therapy very eager to “alleviate” their suffering (Part B of the above definition), but at the same time they are in fact insensitive to their own suffering (Part A). Read on, to find out why this is!

Firstly, compassion is a caring motivation that requires immense courage and an important set of inter-related motivations and skills that consist of: Having precise and sensitive awareness of suffering (Sensitivity); allowing ourselves to feel moved (Sympathy); having an ability to understand what is going on from different perspectives (Empathy); having an ability to tolerate distress (Distress Tolerance); and, having a non-judgmental attitude regarding what is going on (awareness of distress without ‘adding to it’ or going to threat / protective strategies).

This does not just mean ‘being kind’ – Compassion may involve coming into contact with suffering so that you can do whatever is necessary to help reduce or stop it. Think of a mother throwing herself in harm’s way so as to protect her children (doing whatever needs doing!).

What this means is being willing to understand the nature and causes of suffering while also being willing and courageous enough to come into contact with (vs avoiding) that suffering, so that we can actually do something to eliminate or prevent further harm in the best ways that we can.

Although compassion involves empathy, compassion is not simply empathy because empathy can be a terrible thing (eg, emphatic killers cause people great pain and torture – specifically because they are good at understanding other people’s feelings!). Similarly, compassion is also not sympathy (‘feeling sorry for…’).  Whereas sympathy is passive, compassion is active because it involves both choosing to feel moved by suffering in order to do something about the feeling (eg, think of a mother or father cradling a sick and fevered child – they are doing what they can, even if means coming in contact with the child’s illness). 

So then, compassion is what arises when witnessing another’s suffering that motivates a subsequent desire to help. As you will discover, compassion brings together many skills ranging from awareness, empathy, and distress tolerance, to courage, intention, strength and persistence. The purpose of compassion is not simply about removing your difficulties – it is the opposite. 

Compassion means taking responsibility for our actions while recognizing that we didn’t choose so many factors in life – we didn’t choose our genders, our evolutionary histories, our ‘tricky brains’, the countries we were born into, the families we were born into, or our developmental or trauma histories – so much of our lives is determined by factors outside of ourselves. 

Despite this, many of us still go around blaming and shaming ourselves for what we did wrong. Yet, when we can move towards a courageous fierce compassionate understanding, we can realize that although SO MUCH in life is not our fault, it remains our responsibility to do something about how we choose to act. So as you can see, Compassion is not about being soft or kind – it’s about taking charge and being accountable for our actions.

What is Self-Compassion? 

Self-compassion is extending the attitude of self-kindness to one’s self in instances of perceived shame, inadequacy, failure, or any other kind of general suffering. Self-compassion motivates us to achieve our goals, cope with adversity (i.e., increased resilience), take responsibility for our actions, and care for ourselves (and others) in a sustainable way. 

Kirstin Neff is one of the premier researchers in this area. She defines self-compassion as consisting of three key components during times of personal suffering and failure:

• Treating oneself kindly (vs. self-judgment).
• Recognizing one’s struggles as part of the shared human experience (vs. isolation or feeling ‘separate’ in your struggles from everyone else).
• Holding one’s painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness (vs. over-identification with thoughts).

Why is Self-Compassion Important?

Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us. Self-compassion results in many benefits, including reduced isolation, increased mindfulness and reduced over-identification.

Self-Compassion is the antidote to self-attacking – our “inner-critic” self-critical or self-sabotaging attitudes, reactions, and punitive feelings that can hijack our confidence or peace of mind, triggering out threat systems. This can often lead to destructive behaviors.

Self-compassion is a way to deactivate the brain’s threat system by activating its ‘safeness/soothing system‘ which works for you so that you can take responsibility and turn towards working with difficult feelings and thereby respond more effectively to life’s challenges.

Self-compassion is more beneficial to our psychological well-being than self-esteem because it is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.

Researchers have found that participants who displayed more self-compassion when talking about a relationship breakup evidenced better psychological adjustment afterwards and that this effect persisted nine months later.

Benefits of Self-Compassion: Research Findings

• Strongly predictive of well-being – people who are taught to be more self-compassionate tend to become less depressed, less anxious, are less likely to suffer from excessive shame or suicidal ideation. It results in an increase in positive emotions: optimism, hope for the future.
• Doesn’t have the problems of self-esteem pursuit – Self-esteem fluctuates. It is based on social comparison (you have to be better than others in order to have self-esteem) whereas self-compassion you don’t have to be better than anyone, you just have to be human. Self-esteem is not as stable as self-compassion because it is entirely dependent on achievement and it deserts you at times of failure – whereas this self-compassion is always there for you.
• Linked to resilient coping – The way people treat themselves during hard times (trauma, relationship breakdowns) is a strong predictor of future mental health and emotional problems. People who practice self-compassion are kinder to themselves and bounce back faster from setbacks. Self-compassion helps you get through hard times – It’s a strength, not a weakness.
• Healthier behaviours (more towards moves) – Whereas self-indulgence focuses on immediate pleasures but ultimately leads to long term harm, self-compassion involves making choices that alleviate one’s own suffering. People who are more self-compassionate make healthier and more caring choices for themselves and their futures.
• More compassion for others – Because practicing self-compassion brings you in touch with your ability to meet your own needs – when you give yourself what you need, this gives you a greater pool of energy to allow you to respond sensitively to the needs of others. This also leads to less burnout when giving to others.
• Better interpersonal relationships – Self-compassion leads to less selfish behavior in relationships. People who practice self-compassion are more capable of being intimate, are more giving, and are less controlling.

"For someone to develop genuine compassion towards others, first he or she must have a basis upon which to cultivate compassion, and that basis is the ability to connect to one’s own feelings and to care for one’s own welfare…caring for others requires caring for oneself" – Dalai Lama

Benefits: Self-Compassion & Motivation

After practicing self-compassion regularly, you will begin to notice that you will:

• • Learn to be your inner ally, not your inner enemy.
  • No longer fear emotions such as sadness.
  • No longer engage in harsh self-criticism.
  • Have more energy to care about this things that truly matter to you.
  • Take more personal responsibility and be more motivated to repair past mistakes.
  • Still hold high standards for yourself, but you will not beat yourself up when you don’t succeed. 
  • Have less fear of failing because you will be more likely to support yourself to try again.
  • Be more likely to succeed because it won’t trigger threat if you don’t.

Myths about Self-Compassion

MYTH: “Self-compassion will ruin my motivation because it will allow me to get away with anything”

FACT: Many people say they are reluctant to be self-compassionate because they are afraid they would let themselves get away with anything. eg, “I feel bad today so I’ll just be nice to myself and stay home and watch TV, and eat a bucket of ice-cream.”

However, this is self-indulgence NOT self-compassion. The key to understanding the difference is that self-indulgence is focused on giving one’s self short-term pleasures – such as taking drugs, over-eating, being a couch potato, or allowing yourself to over react to strong emotions in ways that can often make a situation worse.

In contrast, being compassionate to oneself means that you understand the source of your current suffering and all that that entails, but that you genuinely also want to be happy and healthy in the long term. Clearly, this easy to talk about and much harder in practice – because in many cases, giving yourself health and lasting happiness in the future often involves a certain amount of displeasure in the present moment (such as quitting smoking, dieting, exercising).

MYTH: “What about mistakes – Doesn’t self-compassion mean I let myself off the hook?”

FACT: No – Self-compassion is NOT about letting yourself get away with your mistakes. It is an active process that involves personal responsibility – but without resorting to being punitive. Self-compassion acknowledges the truth that we are all imperfect beings who are impacted by things over which we have no control — our genes, early family history, culture, life circumstances. From this standpoint, self-compassion can be understanding and supportive, rather than punitive, shaming, and destructive.

Because compassion is intrinsically concerned with the alleviation of suffering — that of our own and also that of others – this means that self-compassion spurs us to take greater responsibility to acknowledge and correct our mistakes.

Rather than using guilt, shame, or the inner-critic as a source of motivation, self-compassion allows us to turn toward and face the difficult feelings that arise when considering our own mistakes and misdeeds, meaning that we can see ourselves more clearly, so that we can do what is needed to make things better.

MYTH: “Self Compassion will lead me to wallow in self-pity”

FACT: Self-Compassion is not self-pity – self-pity is egocentric and self-centred. Self-pity results in responding to setbacks in isolation, with self-condemnation and over-identification.

Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation from others (isolation) and exaggerates the extent of personal suffering (“I’m the ONLY person who this thing has happened to”… “My problem is the worst thing in the world”).

When individuals feel self-pity, they become immersed in their own problems and forget that others have similar problems (”I feel so alone…”). Self-pitying often causes individuals to become carried away with and wrapped up in their own emotional dramas. They cannot step back from their situation (i.e., over-identification) and adopt a more balanced or objective perspective.

Self-Pity can also lead to self-hatred which is really just a move made by your inner-critic to motivate you to take action by causing your pain, shame, or guilt. Look out for the inner-critic – don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up – this causes more stress. Understand how your inner-critic behaves, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows one to see the related experiences of self and other without these feelings of isolation and disconnection. By taking the perspective of a compassionate other towards oneself, more “mental space” is provided to recognize the broader human context of one’s experience and to put things in greater perspective. (“Yes it is very difficult what I’m going through right now, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering.  Perhaps this isn’t worth getting quite so upset about…”)

MYTH: “Self-Compassion is a weakness”

FACT: One of the biggest myths about self-compassion is that it is a ‘weakness’ or that it means ‘feeling sorry for’ yourself. On the contrary – Self-compassion is that antidote to shame, self-pity and the tendency to sulk about our bad luck because it makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness—this paradoxically helps us process and let go of difficult feelings more fully.

MYTH: “Self-compassion is self-centred or narcissistic” 

FACT: People are often very hard on themselves when they notice something they want to change because they think they can shame themselves into action – the self-flagellation approach.  As discussed in detail in several other posts (see the ‘inner critic’ and the brain’s threat system) this can trigger the threat system (stress/anxiety). For some people, this can become so overwhelming that it can lead to failure, hopelessness, and even self-hatred and depression.

This approach can also backfire if you cannot face difficult truths about yourself because you are so afraid of hating yourself if you do. Thus, weaknesses may remain unacknowledged in an unconscious attempt to avoid self-criticism.

In contrast, the care intrinsic to self-compassion provides the safety needed to see the self clearly without fear of self-condemnation, and this is a powerful motivating force for growth and change.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

Like mindfulness, self-compassion is a set of practical skills which easier to learn with some sort of guidance – eg, guided audio exercises, a therapist, or perhaps an 8 week course.

Like any new way of relating to yourself, often it can feel a little awkward and clunky at first. Remember – the goal of practicing self-compassion is to become a better support person to yourself. HOW you do this, depends on what works for you.

 In general, during the heat of the moment – that is during, not after it – you need to remind yourself of the components of self-compassion: Be mindful that you are having a tough time; remember that you are not alone in this struggle and that this is part of life (“this experience is part of being human”), and bring a sense of kindness to yourself with your self-talk using language that works for you.

Being kind to one’s self may at first seem like a very foreign concept. After all, it is often much easier to be caring and understanding of other’s mistakes or shortcomings than our own.

Barriers to Self-Compassion

Unfortunately, for many people, the idea of engaging in self-compassionate, triggers threat. This is because one of the most common barriers to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past. Thus, for many people, Self-Compassion is often completely blocked, hugely misunderstood and highly underutilized.

For example, due to our developmental histories, or painful emotional or interpersonal experiences (such as childhood experiences of shame, rejection, bullying, parental hostility, neglect or unresponsiveness), some people have learned to associate warmth, closeness, and soothing, with THREAT– not safeness. Given that self-compassion encourages a response that taps into some of these emotions, Self-Compassion can also sometimes trigger threat!

If this is the case, you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.

Summary: 

• Self-criticism is common across all mental health difficulties and has very powerful effects on your emotions, your brain, and your physiology.
• Self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us.
• The most common barrier to developing self-compassion is our own “inner critic”, which often has origins in our developmental past such as parental rejection, hostility, neglect and unresponsiveness.
• For these reasons you may find it hard experiencing positive emotions towards yourself and you may benefit from working with a clinical psychologist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), who can help you cultivate a more self-compassionate (vs self-critical) stance.
• Look out for the inner-critic – don’t ‘beat yourself up’, for beating yourself up. Understand what the inner-critic is and what it can do to you, and learn to respond to yourself in a more supportive way.
• Becoming a better support person for yourself means fully understanding and working with all of your resistances to self-compassion. This will better allow you to connect with the parts of yourself that actually can be wise and caring, despite your inner struggles and difficulties. In this way, you will be better equipped to support yourself through life’s challenges (i.e., you will become more skilful, more supportive, more accepting, more encouraging and therefore ultimately more resilient).

Fonte: Mindfulness Psychology

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